I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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