Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
