He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
