you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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