yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize