Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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