I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
