I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
