If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
