Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
