my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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