so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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