He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
