So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
