I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize