Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
porn star boner night. come get it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
