genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
