You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
