I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
