he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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