Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
