I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
