I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
