I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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