On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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