The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
