just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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