How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize