upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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