He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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