update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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