Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
