sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
