my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
