The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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