I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
