so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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