Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
