Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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