You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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