Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
