wakey wakey hands off snakey
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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