just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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