You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
