M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize