Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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