so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
