so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How's work?
Spinning.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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