Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
