I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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