all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
