checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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