listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
