Cold hands, warm shart.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize