tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize