You can't special order awesome
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
