she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
