Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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