John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
