nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
