I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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