Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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