I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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