can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
