I'm lost and stupid without you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize